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Idiots guide to making money from drug addicts in prison.

November 7, 2011

Idiots guide to making money from drug addicts in prison.

Some will say this is a cynical view of privatised drug services in prison. The bottom line is that to make a profit from drug users in prison no actual drug addicts get helped because they are complex, needy and addicted often with a history of failing to get away from the drug culture. They can be helped but it’s hugely expensive, much more expensive than the government is prepared to pay so let’s not take that risk. Always remember that the addicts family, those he loves and who love him, have failed to get him off the drugs so a smiling drug worker twice a week for an hour each time followed by a bit of a course is unlikely to do much better.

Private drug agencies in prisons are businesses, they are duty bound to read and understand a set of criteria published by the people who pay the bills, in this case HMP on behalf of the government of the day. The rules of this game are simple and easy to understand.

Establish who are the prisoners with a drug history.
Provide them with a course to stop them taking drugs.
On release from prison monitor them for a specified period of time to ensure they are drug free.
If successful send a bill to the government for a large amount of public money.

1) Finding the right prisoners with a drug history is crucial to the business being successful. Attend the wings and speak to the prison staff, you are looking for sensible middle aged guys with a nice little Death by Dangerous Driving conviction or Fraud. Once found invite them for an interview. You are looking for a drug history so don’t be put off. “Are you taking drugs?” “No” keep going, keep talking to them. Eventually they will tell you about a party they attended in Neasden in 1988 where they smoked some marijuana and didn’t like it. Go to the paperwork and tick the box entitled “Drug history established”

2) Advise the prisoner that you will be putting him on a drug awareness/ reduction course. Tell him how this will be seen positively by the parole board and will help him get the earliest possible parole date. Tell him he just has to pass the course and you will help him to progress through his sentence. Make sure he understands two things, firstly that his successful participation in the course will significantly help his ambition for an early release. Secondly while nobody expects him to pretend he is a drug addict, any mention that he really never takes drugs will be “unhelpful”.

3) Assuming the prisoner successfully completes the drug course he will eventually be due for release so get fully involved in his release plan. Be sure to demand regular piss tests (drug screening tests) during the licence period and make sure everyone knows you want to be copied into the results. Be a snooty pain in the arse (optional) which might help avoid the difficult conversation when prison staff tell you they don’t consider this prisoner has any drug issues.


4) With the prisoner drug free for the duration of his licence you can now issue a hefty bill to HMP and the government. Don’t forget to send the statistics to the politicians who will happily stand up in Parliament and promise that hardened drug users are getting off drugs due to the private drug initiative set up by them blah blah blah ……

The people I feel sorry for in this mess are the publicly funded drug counselling teams (CARAT Teams) who are presently working with actual drug addicts in prison and because of their hard work and dedication is occasionally having an actual success. Their statistics don’t shape up to the sham statistics of the private sector and are being used to “prove” how badly we need private companies.


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  1. I love this. “Attended a party in 1988 where they smoked some marijuana and didn’t like it.” This is too close to the truth. My wife had to “voluntarily participate” in 25 years of AA because she once told a counsellor she drank for about six months when she was 18 and then stopped because she didn’t like it. Hilarious. I mean, you know, if we weren’t paying for it.

  2. Mr Barraclough permalink

    Spot on. Thats how they often do work, by convincing you that there’s a problem which they then resolve. Its called Marketing and Cameron’s favourite tool for creating confusion and getting votes from dear old ladies from the WI 😉 and it also looks good in The Daily Mail / Express / Telegraph

    these very highly paid ” Super Managers ” work in the same way , they create problems and then appear to solve them . Some advertise their services as Gurus – like Allan Leighton formerly of Royal Mail …until RM got sick of his ” new wave management

    The other point with the Private Prisons is that they can only cut so far , the money to be made is setting up factories using cheap labour . How else can these firms compete with Indian and Chinese workers on 70 p per hour .

  3. Mr Black permalink

    Brilliant analysis – and way more wider-ranging than just prisons: this is the way this whole Camoron fuck-up government works.

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